


Control

by Cargo



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Choking, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Night Terrors, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-12-31 21:50:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18322628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cargo/pseuds/Cargo
Summary: He couldn't decide what was more of a nightmare: Suffering through the terrifying memories of his tours overseas, the images haunting him while he slept; or waking up to a terrified Buck under his hands, gasping out pleas with what little oxygen he could get.





	Control

**Author's Note:**

> I love this pairing and I love all you people that ship it! Figured my first fic for this fandom was going to have to be a something special, and here we are. A bit of canon-atypical PTSD, for extra pizazz. Enjoy!

It all happened so fast.

He was packing the wound as fast as he could, he knew they had to leave now, he knew there was no messing around, not when they were this deep into enemy territory. 

Blood came quicker than Eddie could stop, but he didn't give up. He pushed through even when Ace, the man he had his hands inside of, uttered out, "Don't worry 'bout me, Diaz, get outta here," with his last breath. But Eddie was no quitter, he knew that he wasn't about to give up on his friend. He started doing everything he could think of in order to save the man below him. "Ace! No, stay with me, don't go—" He muttered, attempting to will him back to life. But he was gone, he lost him. Eddie always lost him.

The insurgents where everywhere a second later. When he looked down, Ace's body wasn't there anymore and he found himself in civilian clothes. He looked around wildly, trying to find some safety amongst the hell he was in the middle of. He stepped backwards and jumped when he bumped into another enemy. He spun to face him and as soon as he did, the man shoved him to the ground and held him down by his shoulders. "Eddie." The insurgent whispered tauntingly.

The voices got further away as his eyes clenched shut tightly. He wanted out, he wanted to be home and safe. The insurgents grip was fading and the sun shone with a sudden fierceness. He rolled his enemy over and gripped his throat, choking the life out of him.

"Eddie." He gasped up at him, "Stop."

Eddie suddenly woke up.

The first thing he noticed: Buck.

The second thing, he was straddling Buck.

The third thing, his hands were encircling Buck's neck, he was choking _Buck_.

Buck was looking up at him pleadingly, "Ed," He rasped tightly, "It's—okay. Let go."

Eddie quickly jumped back and sat at the back of the bed. He stared at Buck as he wheezed, rolling to his side as he attempted to catch his breath. His own heart was racing, he was in shock, his hands were shaking.

"Eddie c'mere." Buck said after a few moments of composing himself.

Eddie shook his head. He'd hurt the man he loved, he'd scared him, he'd treated him like an enemy. Eddie got up and rushed to bedroom's adjoining bathroom, locking the door behind him. He paced for a couple of seconds, ignoring Buck on the other side of door telling him to open up. "It's okay, just—" Buck's voice faltered when he heard Eddie began throwing up into the toilet. Buck threw his shoulder into the door, pushing the entire thing off its hinges. He rushed inside and crouched behind Eddie.

"Buck, go," Eddie was hyperventilating as he clasped the outside of the toilet, his hands nearly as pale as the porcelain itself.

"I'm not leaving you."

"I hurt you." Eddie couldn't breathe, his chest heaved heavily and he began sobbing, "I hurt you, Ev." He ran his hand through his hair as a choked sob left his throat, his whole body trembling with the muffled cries.

Buck frowned, "That wasn't you, alright? I know you'd never hurt me on purpose."

Eddie's body was trembling as he sat there, trying to process what the hell had just happened. "I don't know what—" His words were like hot lava, unpleasant and entirely too painful to endure.

"Eddie. Shh." Buck was still crouching behind Eddie, unsure if he should even touch him.

"Daddy?" A small voice murmured from the doorway.

Eddie froze. As if he didn't already do enough harm for one night... His little boy had probably been awakened by the screams, he'd probably traumatized the poor guy.

Thankfully Buck jumped to the rescue. "Oh, hey, what are you doing out of bed, buddy?" Buck reached the child and picked him up. 

"I heard a big bang and—what's daddy doing by the toilet? What's wrong with daddy?"

Buck walked out of the bathroom and towards Christoper's room. "Well daddy had to throw up. Have you ever gotten sick and throw up before?" He spoke softly, carrying the boy firmly in his arms. His voice was undeniably hoarse, but thankfully the kid didn't seem to notice.

Christopher nodded after a moment. "One time I was sick and I had to stay in bed for a whole day and Daddy stayed home with me and we watched movies and ate ice cream."

"Ah, I see." Buck replied warmly, the gut wrenching emotion that lingered within him dissipating the slightest amount. "Well it's Daddy's turn to be the sick one now. But don't worry, I'll take really good care of him okay?"

"And then after that will it be your turn to get sick, Bucky?"

"I guess that would make a whole lot sense, wouldn't it?" Buck smiled, setting Christopher down on the bed gently. "So I need you to be a big boy and get lots more sleep for me, so that you can help me take care of Daddy tomorrow."

"I can do it!" Christopher grinned, happily accepting the challenge. 

"Good." Buck chuckled softly, pulling the blankets over him and kissing him on the forehead. "Have a good sleep, buddy."

"You too, Bucky. Tell Daddy I love him." 

Buck nodded, "Sure thing." He smiled one last time before leaving the room and closing the door behind him.

Buck paused for a moment, taking a deep breath and a serene moment to himself before going back to the master bedroom. When he made his way into the bathroom his whole heart broke all over again. Eddie was still sitting in front of the toilet, his knees brought to his chest with his arms encircling his legs. His head was hung between his knees and he didn't even bother trying to hold back the tears.

"Eddie?" Buck said softly.

Eddie startled and immediately looked up at Buck who at this point, had lingered by the door but hadn't gone further. "Chris?"

"He's fine. He's in bed." Buck carefully took a few tentative steps toward Eddie and reached a hand down to him.

"Buck no, I just—"

"Don't push me away." Buck pleaded, "Please,"

"I hurt you, I was—I choked you." Eddie shook his head as a tear ran across his cheek.

"I'm fine though, I'm okay—"

"But what if next time you aren't?" Eddie breathed out, "I couldn't live with myself. I can barely live with myself right now."

"I was an idiot and tried to hold you down, I should've been thinking—"

"No no no, this isn't your fault." Eddie vigorously gave his head a shake. "It's not—"

"If it's not my fault, then it's not your fault either, Eddie—" Buck murmured as a fresh batch of tears started running down his boyfriend's face, "No, it's—stop crying—" Buck knelt down and pulled the man into his awaiting arms, holding him close and safe, so nothing could hurt him.

"Let's go back to bed and we can talk more in the morning, okay?"

Eddie shrugged, trying to soak up as much of Buck as he could.

Buck stood up and pulled Eddie up with him.

"You go to bed. I'm going to uh—I'll have a shower first."

"I'm not leaving you alone."

"Why?" Eddie replied with annoyance.

"Because I love you."

Eddie tried really really hard, but he couldn't be mad at Buck when he was looking at him with those eyes and saying those words.

Eddie sighed, "Fine." 

"Want me to shower with you, or do you want to come to bed with me now and then shower in the morning?"

"Shower now." Eddie mumbled, clearing his throat after both words cracked.

Buck nodded, helping the man to his feet. "Alright, let's get you up and in there then, alright?"

"Don't—" Eddie leaned against the wall to steady himself, running a trembling hand through his hair. "I don't deserve—"

Buck pulled Eddie into his arms, "Take a few deep breaths." Buck rubbed his back soothingly, kissing the side of his neck. "It's okay."

"Nothing about this is okay." Eddie breathed, trying to block out the choked sobs that rode along his spine.

Buck, arm still holding the other tightly, leaned over to turn on the water, frowning when he felt the other man's tears hit his bare chest and roll down his skin. 

"I still trust you, I still love you, nothing changed." Buck explained, pulling away from Eddie and pressing a kiss to his forehead.

Eddie looked at him with broken-hearted bewilderment. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came from his mouth, so he just shook his head and, after removing his clothing, slipped into the shower.

Buck followed him in after discarding his own clothes, coming up behind him, grasping onto his body gently. 

They stood under the spray until the water went cold, Eddie letting his mind process what had happened while Buck stayed silent and held his boyfriend close. When Eddie finally transitioned back into reality, Buck was waiting with a big fluffy towel, ready to dry him off.

Back in bed, Eddie tentatively gravitated toward Buck, gently propping his head on Buck's chest and wrapping an arm around his upper body. 

Buck smiled sadly, his hand coming up to thread through Eddie's damp hair.

They both fell back to sleep eventually, but Eddie was admittedly scared to close his eyes. He was worried he'd do it again, worried he'd hurt Buck. He woke up every five minutes with a start, but would be instantly soothed again by Buck's even breathing and steady heartbeat.

By the morning, Eddie was still a mess, but the emotions were less raw and he was a little more able to pull himself together.

Chris came clambering into the room at some early hour, getting into their bed.

Eddie startled awake when he felt the mattress move, sitting up in distress.

Buck pulled Eddie back and tucked him back into his chest, welcoming Chris into his other side.

"Is Daddy better?" Chris asked Buck in a soft voice.

"I hope so. Maybe we should go make him some breakfast." Buck suggested with a smile.

"Yeah!"

"I'll meet you in the kitchen okay?" Buck replied with a quiet chuckle, watching Christopher slide off the bed and nod. 

When he was out of the room, Buck turned his attention to Eddie. 

"I'm sorry about last night, Evan."

"You had zero control over last night." Buck assured him, drawing little circles around his spine.

"I'm still sorry that it happened."

"It's alright," Buck said with a soft smile, hearing pans clattering in the kitchen. "I better go see what Chris is getting into. Breakfast in bed for my man?" 

"Nah, I'll be over in a bit." Eddie rolled onto his back, closing his eyes again and sighing deeply.

"Sure thing." Buck swung his legs over the bed and headed to the closet, pulling on a hoodie and a pair of athletic shorts. He let the hood stay up and put his hands in his shorts pockets, flashing Eddie a small smile before heading to the kitchen.

Breakfast was ready by the time Eddie managed to pull his tired body out of bed and into the kitchen. The table was all set with cut up apples, scrambled eggs, and crispy bacon. 

Buck and Chris were colouring and both smiled when Eddie walked in, sitting at the empty place setting. Eddie looked fondly at his two boys, resting his chin on his folded hands.

"Alright, let's put this stuff away so we can eat." Buck smiled, lifting away the crayons.

"Wait, you need your hood down." Chris said adorably. 

"Oh, you're right. Wanna give me a hand?" Buck leaned down closer to Chris, letting the kid pull it back. "Thank you." Buck grinned

"What happened to your neck, Bucky?"

Eddie had been looking down but his gaze shot up and his expression dropped. Now that the hood was gone, the strangulation marks were clearly visible.

Buck's eyes fluttered to Eddie, trying to gauge how bad it looked by the other man's reaction. A tear escaped Eddie's eye and rolled down his cheek, but he quickly swiped it away before Chris could notice.

"I must've—" Buck turned back to Chris, "—must've just slept at a weird angle or something."

"Oh." Chris nodded, seeming to take it at face value. "Can we eat now?"

"Course." Buck said with a smile. Watching the kid dig in.

Eddie seemed stuck in his own thoughts, his eyes stuck on Buck's neck, which by now had a ring of all kinds of red, purple and blue. His bloodshot eyes and slightly hoarse voice weren't hard to miss either.

"Eddie, you going to eat?" Buck encouraged gently, worried eyes studying the man's face.

Eddie nodded dumbly, picking up his fork and taking a hesitant bite of eggs.

Breakfast was tense to say the least, and though Chris was oblivious to it, the two men were drowning in the invisible strain.

"Can I watch TV, Daddy?" He asked cheerfully, after he had finished eating.

"Sure." Eddie smiled gently, ruffling Christopher's hair.

After Chris had left, the two men sat quietly for a while longer. 

Eddie went to speak, "Evan—"

"Eddie if you're about to apologize again—" Buck shook his head.

"I don't know what else I can say. I don't know how to make this better." Eddie shoved his head in his hands, inhaling deeply.

"I'm not the victim here." Buck spoke after a while, "I'm not the one that's hurting. Well—I am hurting, but that's just because it breaks my heart to see you like this."

Eddie shook his head, "I want to promise that it won't happen again. But there's a chance—"

"I know." Buck shrugged subtly, dipping his head a little. "But if it does happen again, I won't try to hold you down when you start flailing. Or you could teach me some of those maneuvers you did. You had me flat on my back in less than a second. I was pretty impressed actually." He relayed with a small smile, "Listen, I love you, nothing could ever change that."

"I love you." Eddie smiled up at Buck.

Buck beamed at him, "We good?"

"We're good." Eddie nodded, "As long as you let me spend the rest of my life making it up to you."

"You can spend today, and today only, making it up to me." Buck chuckled, reaching across the table to take Eddie's hand in his. "Starting with you snuggling up against me on the couch while we watch tv with Chris, and possibly catch up on some of the sleep you didn't get last night."

"I think I can do that." Eddie smiled tiredly, watching Buck come around the table and reach out a hand. Buck hauled Eddie to his feet and smiled, pulling him in for a gentle hug.

"Good, you look exhausted." Buck smiled, brushing back some of the hair that had spilled onto Eddie's forehead.

Eddie inhaled deeply against Buck's neck and nodded, pressing a plethora of kisses along the coloured flesh a moment later. 

That afternoon saw the two Diaz boys asleep and piled on top of Buck who, though exhausted and a bit sore, was living for every minute of it. 

 


End file.
